How to successfully date me

 

You know I’m off dating right? I think I mentioned it in my last post. I’m off dating, and I’m off sex outside the context of a relationship.

(Mashud: “I always knew you were strong.”)

More specifically, I’m done with putting myself out there. I’m done meeting randos and getting emotionally invested and having it lead nowhere. I’m done with zero-effort text conversations. I’m done with flakiness. I’m done undervaluing my time.

Basically, I’ve raised my standards by a lot. My primary goal now is maintaining them. I’ve embraced the significant chance that I may be single for the rest of my life, because it’s better than the exercise in dumpster-diving that is modern dating.

If someone wants to go out of their way to pursue me, good for them. But I’m not expending any effort or emotional energy until they’ve demonstrated their worth.

“What have you done for me lately?” is a fair representation of how I’m feeling. Because men haven’t done shit for me lately. I have no reason to trust them.

Left-field

Of course as soon as I decided that I’m off dating, a guy I was seeing last year started texting me again. Because that’s how the universe works.

I shrugged it off, but every week or so I’d get another random text. I was confused about his intentions with me. So I asked straight-up: Are you trying to date me?

He said yes, but with these sparse non-conversations it sure didn’t seem like it. We talked some more about what dating looks like. I told him I raised my standards and he was basically like, “Challenge accepted.”

I’m not holding my breath, but it got me thinking. So I wrote a tweet.

That didn’t feel like enough, so here’s a blog post.

What is a relationship?

Being in a relationship is more than “We’re having sex with each other and not having sex with any other people.” It’s more than “We have feelings for each other.” It’s more than “She takes such good care of me in spite of all the shit I put her through.”

I have better relationships with women I’ve met drunk in the bathroom at a random bar than I’ve had with most of the men I’ve “dated.” The women in my life are always taking care of everybody around them.

When I like someone, I become the most caring, devoted, generous, awesome partner. I’ve never had someone be that for me.

To me, a relationship worth being in looks like my partner treating me as well as I treat them. Taking care of me. Doing emotional labor to support me. Trying.

Lmao. When pigs fly.

The five love languages

The love languages are a handy heuristic tool. They’re not scientific, but I’ve found them useful.

The five love languages are:

  • words of affirmation
  • acts of service
  • receiving gifts
  • quality time
  • physical touch

My top two love languages are quality time and physical touch, but I crave all of them.

I’ve been single and independent for a long time. If you think you’re dating me and you want me to feel like you’re dating me, then satisfy these cravings. Make me feel appreciated. Spend time with me, do things for me, say meaningful things to me, be with me.

If you’re not doing that for me, then it’s not dating.

Formula for successfully dating me

The steps are pretty simple:

  • text me nonstop
  • bring me food and cuddles
  • embrace that men are trash
  • gas me up
  • wish lists

Text me nonstop

I love texting. You should too. It’s not that hard to be a good texter. If you like me, you should want to text me. ::shrug emoji::

Bring me food and cuddles

This. Is. Crucial. It’s an act of service, a gift, quality time, and physical touch. So many things I crave. Throw in some words of affirmation and I’m gonna be looking like this little baby:

Food and cuddles is like interview cake. Interview goes badly? At least you have cake. Interview goes well? Celebrate with cake!

For example:

  • I’m sick? Food and cuddles.
  • I’m bored? Food and cuddles.
  • I’m tired? Food and cuddles.
  • I’m stressed? Food and cuddles.
  • I’m feeling down? Food and cuddles.
  • I had a great day? Food and cuddles.
  • You had a great day? Food and cuddles.
  • You just want to make me happy? Food and cuddles.

Food. And. Cuddles.

Do. It.

Now.

Embrace that men are trash

Just accept it, and do the work to dismantle the patriarchy. I don’t care that men don’t like hearing that men are trash. I’m not going to discuss it with you. Do your homework on your time.

Gas me up

This is words of affirmation, and also just making me feel sexy. Ways to accomplish said gassing:

  • ask for permission to internet-stalk me
  • like my pictures on instagram, tweets, blog posts, etc.
  • comment on things with emojis
  • text me emojis
  • tell me when you’re thinking about me being cool/smart/sexy/whatever

Wish lists

Buy me shit. Take note of what I like, and buy me those things. Cause you can bet I’ll be buying you shit all the time. I’m generous af when I like somebody.

Until you learn what I like, buy me pretty shit off my Etsy wishlists.

Easy, right?

Right.

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